im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
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