Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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