My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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