dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
