What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
