My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Randomize
