The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize