You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
