just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize