I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
