I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
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