these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
