i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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