i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
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