Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
