Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Randomize
