There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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