By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
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