Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
