I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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