who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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