I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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