do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
