I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Randomize
