Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
