I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize