my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
