She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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