I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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