Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize