So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
