MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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