last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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