I accidentally had phone sex last night
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
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