go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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