im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
