I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
