He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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