I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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