your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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