It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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