why im i the only drunk person in the library?
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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