did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
