Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Drunk is not a location!
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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