I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
