I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
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