you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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