dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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