I can text with my tongue
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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