i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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