he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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