I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
please don't ironically join a cult
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