I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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