he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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