& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
