Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
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