my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
