Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize