Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
