Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
