my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
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