cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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