I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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