the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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