I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
